Today's Musical Selection: "Never Can Say Goodbye" by the Jackson 5
Hello, friends and readers! I hope you all had a fine weekend. Mine was fine, though a little rainy thanks to the edges of Hurricane "Chuck" blowing through the Fedroplex. Today, I offer you the latest romantic stylings of Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice, coming to us today from Buffalo, New York, where Aunt Beatrice was born and raised. I'm sure Aunt Beatrice is enjoying old home week, but how is Uncle Millie enjoying life in upstate New York? I'm sure we'll find out in today's dispatch. Take it away, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice!
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When a Man Loves a Woman, a Good Time Is Had By All, by Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice
AB: Hi, everybody! Uncle Millie and I are in my hometown, Buffalo, sitting at Carlos O'Reilly's. I'm so happy to be home again. I've really enjoyed seeing my family!
UM:
AB: Uncle Millie is having a little trouble talking today.
UM:
AB: Actually, he hasn't said a word since yesterday evening. It's been awfully nice.
UM:
AB: See, last night we went to the world-famous Anchor Bar, where Buffalo wings were invented. As soon as we walked in, Uncle Millie discovered a few guys sitting at the bar competing to see how many shots they could drink. Naturally, he couldn't resist joining in.
UM:
AB: After all, nobody drinks Uncle Millie under the table. Right, my dear?
UM:
AB: It wasn't until after the contest had begun that Uncle Millie discovered that they weren't doing shots of alcohol, but shots of hot sauce. This is another proud Buffalo tradition, but one with which Uncle Millie was sadly unfamiliar. At least until now.
UM:
AB: Uncle Millie downed 11 shots of hot sauce, which was good enough for third place. However, in the aftermath of the event, he began signaling for emergency assistance. He attempted to still the fire in his mouth and throat with whiskey, unfortunately not realizing that alcohol is completely ineffective at combatting pepper poisoning.
UM:
AB: We visited the doctor this morning, and he said that Uncle Millie should regain his voice in a couple days. However, we had this column due, so we worked out a system. He'll write down his thoughts, and I'll read them out loud. Uncle Millie, do you have any words of welcome for our readers?
UM: (scribbling)
AB: Uncle Millie says... I can't read this. I'd forgotten how awful his handwriting is. So I'll just have to sort of guess. I imagine Uncle Millie says, "Hello, lads! Greetings from beautiful Buffalo, New York, where my beloved and I have repaired to see her lovely family."
UM:
AB: Uncle Millie is nodding. I must have captured his thoughts reasonably well. I think this will work! Let's take a look at our first letter.
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
I'm 27, and about six months ago I broke up with my girlfriend, "Lisa." It didn't end well. A lot of nasty words were said, things that were hard for us to forgive. Anyway, neither of us has seen anyone since then. Recently, we bumped into each other at a club, and we got to talking. We're not interested in getting back together again, but Lisa approached me with an intriguing offer: sex without commitment. It seems she's gotten awfully "lonely" lately, and she'd rather sleep with someone "safe," someone she already knows, rather than picking up a one-night stand. Now, I'm "lonely" too, but if this is going to lead down the road to us getting back together, I'm not interested. Should I say yes?
Ronnie in Daytona Beach
AB: Hi, Ronnie. I can understand why you'd be interested in that offer, but I'd advise you to steer clear of it. For one thing, I don't think sex without love is ever a good idea. I applaud Lisa for wanting to avoid the one-night stand, but what she's proposing is essentially a one-night stand with you, isn't it? For another, I'm not entirely sure I believe her that this is all about sex for her. Maybe she knows that you don't want to try again, so she's trying to find another way back to your heart. I wouldn't fool with that, if I were you.
Do you have anything to say, Uncle Millie?
UM: (scribbling)
AB: More nonsense. I imagine, however, that he's thinking something like, "Have you taken leave of your senses, lad? A woman is offering you sex without commitment, and you're thinking of turning her down?! I worry about you, lad. If you're not interested in this lady's generous offer, kindly forward her number to Uncle Millie, so that I can give her what she deserves." Have I got it pretty well down, dear?
UM:
AB: He's nodding. Well, my dear, as usual you've got a disgusting, one-track mind. But really, if you didn't, I wouldn't recognize you. Who would you be if you weren't you, my dear?
UM:
AB: He's shrugging. I'm not surprised. Let's move on.
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
I'm 31, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find a woman. I have no problem getting dates. My problem is turning those dates into relationships. They all seem to follow the same pattern: a few good dates, then slowly trailing off into nothing. I can't figure out why it keeps going wrong. I dress well, maintain good personal hygiene, I make a decent living, and I'm reasonably charming in conversation. Yet none of my relationships last longer than a month. What am I doing wrong?
Glenn in Scarborough
AB: Hi, Glenn. Well, I guess the first question I'd ask is whether you've ever had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. If you haven't, chances are you aren't experienced in the sorts of things that make for long-term relationship success. Having a successful long-term relationship is an entirely different animal from having a few good dates. And you might even be sending out unconcious signals that you're only interested in short-term relationships.
UM:
AB: I just paused naturally there, expecting Uncle Millie to cut in with some sarcastic or boorish remark. It's so unusual to have the floor to myself! I don't think I've ever been able to talk this long without being interrupted before. This is rather nice. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, Glenn: I think your best bet is to talk to your female friends, and see if you say or do things that subconciously turn women off. No one has a better eye for what impresses women than other women, and they're liable to notice things that your male friends wouldn't, such as that you brag too much, or monopolize the talking time. These are exactly the kind of things that might be costing you relationships without your even knowing it.
Now let's see what Uncle Millie might have to say about this.
UM: (scribbling)
AB: Now, let's see.... "Bringle lotmrshky drvltay?"
UM: (scribbling)
AB: Let's see... something here about "women," "marriage" and "evil." I believe I know what he's getting at. "Lad, a great many women your age are desperately seeking marriage. These women are evil, and must be avoided."
UM:
AB: He's nodding. I must have figured it out. "Now, lad, I'm sure that, like me, you are trapped in a state of perpetual adolescence and believe that being in a faithful, monogamous relationship will give you cooties. If you're like me, the mere thought of settling down with just one woman causes you to break out into hives. And like me, you probably have at best a primitve reptilian sense of morality."
UM:
AB: What's that? You're shaking your head. Did I not get you right there? Let me try again: "Lad, long-term relationships with honest, caring, STD-free women are more trouble than they're worth. Better to enjoy casual, meaningless sex for the rest of your life. Better to avoid anything resembling a responsible adult existence as long as possible. I should know. Of course, I chose this course in no small part because I don't really know how to satisfy a woman." Have I pretty much got the essence of it, dear?
UM: Mmpf....
AB: Now, dear, you remember what the doctor said. Don't try to talk. It will only make things work. There, that's better.
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
Far be it from me to criticize someone else's personal life, but I can't help but wonder: Is anyone with a marriage like yours really qualified to write a romantic advice column? In every column, the two of you wind up fighting, saying nasty things about each other, and generally acting as though you can't stand one another. If you can't run your own marriage any better than that, why should we listen to what you have to say about our relationships? It's like taking morality advice from John Dillinger. What do you have to say for yourselves?
Chuck in San Antonio
AB: Hi, Chuck, and thanks for writing in. I'm sure you're not the only person who wonders about this question. And no, Chuck, Uncle Millie and I do not have the "perfect marriage," if there is such a thing. But really, our marriage is not as bad as it might appear in this column. We do argue a fair bit, but it's almost always in a loving spirit. Besides, I'd argue that those best qualified to give advice are those who've experienced a few bumps. How do you know how to fix something that's gone wrong if nothing ever goes wrong for you? By that standard, Uncle Millie and I might be the most qualified advice-giving couple in history.
UM:
AB: He's nodding. Do you have anything you'd like to say to Chuck, dear?
UM: (scribbling)
AB: Let's see... "Yes, lad, it's true that my beloved and I occasionally have our ups and downs, but in the end we have a basic understanding about our relationship. And our understanding is that everything that goes wrong is my fault. My philandering, lying and general shiftlessness are the root cause of all our marital disturbances."
UM:
AB: Why are you shaking your head, dear? This is very nice. Let's see what else there is: "Truth be told, I'm not sure how my beloved puts up with me at all. I'm a completely unfit husband, a broken-down cheating alcoholic, and I'm especially unworthy of someone so special as my dear Beatrice. She's a saint for putting up with me."
UM: Mmpf...
AB: "In fact, I'm so deeply sorry for what I've done to her over the course of our marriage that I'm going to give up drinking for good, effective immediately." Oh, Millie! That's so sweet of you!
UM: Mmpf!
AB: Your vocal cords, dear, your vocal cords. If you have something to say, write it.
UM: (scribbling)
AB: Oh, now, dear, you know you can't say that. You promised Fred you wouldn't use those words. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.
UM:
AB: So he's not saying anything. Ah, well. Goodbye, everybody! See you next time. And on behalf of Uncle Millie, "Happy hunting!"
UM: (scribbling)
AB: No, dear, you can't say that either. And it's not anatomically possible anyhow.
UM: (scribbling)
AB: No, I would not like to see how it could be.
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Well, that was certainly a change from the typical column! Thank you, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice. Millie, I hope your voice comes back soon. Look for them again in their regularly scheduled slot a week from tomorrow.
Well, I'm sure you've all heard by now about the mauling that the USA men's basketball team endured at the hands of Puerto Rico on the weekend. On Saturday evening, Papa Shaft and I were out driving, and we heard something about "U.S. men's basketball" and "Puerto Rico" on the radio. Papa said, "Why is the U.S. men's basketball team playing in Puerto Rico? Shouldn't they be in Greece?" I made the requisite joke about having to find alternate facilities because the Greek basketball stadium wasn't finished yet, then said, "I don't believe the U.S. men's team is playing in Puerto Rico. I believe they're playing against Puerto Rico." Papa nodded, but after a pause asked: "Wait, why would Puerto Rico have its own team? Aren't they part of the United States?" This was a good point, and as I did not have a good answer we let the matter drop.
Well, as we all know now, Puerto Rico does have its own team, and I believe the reason why is that they quite sensibly decided that they wished to avoid the embarrassment of being associated with our men's basketball team. Also, they don't have any votes in Congress.
In the aftermath of the game, I have two thoughts:
- Washington D.C. should field its own Olympic team next time. I mean, hell, if Puerto Rico can do it, why not us? We don't have any votes in Congress either. We're not a state either. And fielding a separate squad means that Fedroplexers too could avoid the humiliation of being associated with Team Jersey Sales, a.k.a. Allen Iverson's Traveling All-Stars and Motor Kings. I think we should look into this at once.
- ESPN.com had a great and beautiful headline in the wake of the loss on its Olympics main page. The hed read "Dazed and Confused," and it was directly above a picture of Larry Brown and Greg Popovich looking for all the world like the living embodiment of the words in the headline. Absolutely magnificent. I wish I'd printed out a copy for my wall.
Finally, I'm a bit late in announcing this, but everyone should go congratulate The Smart Lady for being accepted to Columbia Law School. I, of course, believed she could get in from the first, and it's about damn time that the admissions officials over there recognized her brilliance. Take a bite out of the Big Apple, Smart Lady.
And that's all for today. See you tomorrow!
Posted by Fred at August 16, 2004 05:30 PM