Today's Musical Selection: "Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Hi, everybody! Today I have a special treat for you. As you have probably heard, yesterday Alan Keyes formally accepted the Republican nomination for the Illinois Senate race. I was unable to reach Keyes for an interview, but I did learn something that I'll bet you didn't know: one of the "short list" candidates for the nomination was our old friend, Coach Beauregard "Bum" Bolbridge! The venerable head football coach of Southwestern Mississippi Agricultural and Technical State University was sounded out quietly by Illinois GOP officials, but he declined the offer, citing his commitment to the Fightin' Farmhands. I reached Coach Bolbridge by phone in Bugbear, Mississippi, where he was kind enough to take time away from his busy training-camp schedule to grant me an interview. A transcript follows.
(Editor's note: As always with Coach Bolbridge, the transcript is approximate. I conducted the interview in English, and Coach Bolbridge replied in whatever language it is that he speaks. It's thicker than molasses and as clear as Mississippi mud. No translator was available, so the coach's replies represent my best attempt at translating his remarks into English.)
MF: Hello, Coach Bolbridge. Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
BB: Well, hell, it's my pleasure, son. I like you. You're a pretty good fella for a Yankee.
MF: Thank you very much. So, it's true that you were asked to run for the Senate in Illinois as a Republican.
BB: That's right, son. After Coach Ditka turned 'em down, I guess that they was looking for someone else with football experience. Naturally, they thought of me.
MF: Actually, that's something I was wondering about. Although you're justly legendary throughout much of southern Mississippi for your 38 seasons at the helm of SWMATS, I was not aware that your fame had extended as far as Illinois. Frankly, I'm not even sure it's extended as far as northern Mississippi. How do you suppose they decided to contact you?
BB: Well, they was castin' a pretty wide net. Look at that boy they got.
MF: Alan Keyes?
BB: Yeah, him. You think he was one of the top ten choices? Or even the top thousand? They was pretty desperate, scraping the bottom of the barrel like that.
MF: Noted. But do you think there was anything in particular about you that caused them to seek you out, Coach?
BB: Well, I suppose. I'm sure they figure they're gonna lose this one. And ain't too many folks on God's green earth got more experience with losin' than yours truly. I been losin' longer than some folks been alive. I'm sort of a expert at it by now.
MF: Interesting. But despite your obvious qualifications, you turned them down. Why?
BB: Well, I got a job to do. SWMATS has been good to me over the years, defending me through the losing seasons and the attacks in the press and the angry fans storming the stadium with torches, so I figure as I owe 'em something. Maybe even a victory or two one of these years. Besides, my boys are countin' on me.
MF: Your players are counting on you to provide leadership and football wisdom?
BB: Nah. They countin' on me to get 'em the senior discount at the local titty bar.
MF: I see. Now, you're certainly not a resident of Illinois. Have you ever lived in Illinois?
BB: No, sir. I've lived all my life in Mississippi, and I don't intend to change that.
MF: Well, despite the fairly liberal residency requirements, you would have been required to establish residency in Illinois before Election Day. Wouldn't that have been a problem?
BB: Well, I asked 'em about that, and they said if I had a long layover at O'Hare Airport, that'd probably count.
MF: Interesting. Do you have any regrets about turning the nomination down?
BB: Well, not for myself. I'm happy doin' what I do, and I ain't never been to anxious to see Washington anyhow. But I am a little sorry for the people of Illinois.
MF: Why is that?
BB: Well, now look what's happened. They got two colored boys standin' for election.
MF: Um.
BB: Havin' to choose between two colored boys. What's this world comin' to, anyhow?
MF: Why don't we move on?
BB: I mean, the one's a half-breed, but-
MF: Moving on!
BB: Sheesh. All you Yankees always in a hurry to get movin'. You don't appreciate nothin'.
MF: On the contrary, I appreciate what continuing that line of thought was going to do to my readership statistics.
BB: Whatever. But I mean, just look at this fella the Democrats have put up, Iraq Osama. What the hell is this? I mean, hell, you got the two biggest enemies of America right there!
MF: Coach-
BB: You vote for a guy like that, you oughta just hang a "I HATE AMERICA" sign around your neck and be done with it.
MF: Coach-
BB: I mean, would the Democrats put up a guy named Hitler Stalin in the '40s? Old Joe McCarthy is rollin' over in his grave, I tell you.
MF: Coach! The Democratic candidate's name is not Iraq Osama. It's Barack Obama.
BB: Huh?
MF: Barack Obama. It's an African name.
BB: Still. We already know he's a colored guy. Why he wanna flaunt it with a colored name like that? He oughta get hisself a white name, like "Joe Smith." At least make it easier on people.
MF: That's, um, interesting. Tell me: if you had chosen to run, did you know what your platform was going to be?
BB: Hell yes! I've always known my beliefs for damn certain. I know where I stand.
MF: Well, what are your beliefs on foreign policy?
BB: You gotta treat the rest of the world like I treat my boys: like a buncha damn candy-ass fools who don't know a damn thing but what you tell 'em. You gotta tell 'em what to do and make 'em do it, then check and make sure they done it. And if they get out of line, smack 'em. A few bombing raids'll get 'em in line right quick. It's like bein' a football coach, only with bombs. I wish I had bombs to use on some of these fat-asses I got who won't run they damn drills.
MF: I take it you're not a strong believer in the power of diplomacy.
BB: Diplomacy, hell! Ain't no use doin' diplomacy on them fools out there. They don't understand nothin'. If your dog craps on the rug, do you try to "reason" with him? Hell no! You kick him and rub his nose in it. That's what we oughta do with them other countries.
MF: Interesting analogy. And how do you feel about domestic policy?
BB: I tell ya, welfare is ruining this country. All this mollycoddling has made our country weak. I seen it with my boys. They ain't half the men that they used to be when I started coachin'. We raisin' a generations of pantywaists. I say, if you want this country to support you when you fail, tough titties.
MF: Pardon?
BB: My family was dirt poor growin' up. We didn't have no meat, and we couldn't even afford a gun to go huntin' with. If I wanted iron, I had to eat nails. And if it was good enough for me, it's good enough for poor folks today. Don't come cryin' to me. I paid my dues.
MF: You ate nails, Coach?
BB: Yessir. That's why I got such a magnetic personality.
MF: Oh, gosh, look at the time. Thank you for the interview, Coach.
BB: I 'pologize to the people of Illinois for what I done to 'em. Two colored people. Can you imagine?
MF: Goodbye, Coach.
There you have it. I think it's safe to say that Illinois dodged a bullet. Alan Keyes is looking better all the time, isn't he?
Speaking to Coach Bum puts me in mind of a bumper sticker I saw aboard a Chevy pickup in my neighborhood yesterday. The bumper sticker read "FIGHTING TERRORISM SINCE 1861." Next to this slogan was a Confederate flag. That's a really, um, strong message. I was tempted to leave the fellow a note reminding him who won that "war on terror" in 1861, and that he might wish to rethink the message behind it. But I chose not to, because I'm certain the fellow was packing heat, and I was afraid he might be able to track me.
Programming note: I'm headed out of town for a couple days, so look for me to return to this space Thursday or Friday. The Uncle Millie/Aunt Beatrice column scheduled to run tomorrow will appear upon my return. See you when I get back!
Posted by Fred at August 9, 2004 05:40 PMMaybe the reason you were afriad is because yer a pussy. You also know nothing of history.
If the South had won the Civil War, slavery would have still ended but state's would have more rights than they do now, and we wouldn't have the IRS, FBI, DEA and BATF chompin on everybody's ass.
And just in case you were not aware, Abe Lincoln was a racist and didn't free the slaves.
Congress freed the slaves after the war. Lincoln didn't even want to free the slave.
Read a freakin history book ya PC idiot!!!
*****in reply to drivle below*****
a bumper sticker I saw aboard a Chevy pickup in my neighborhood yesterday. The bumper sticker read "FIGHTING TERRORISM SINCE 1861." Next to this slogan was a Confederate flag. That's a really, um, strong message. I was tempted to leave the fellow a note reminding him who won that "war on terror" in 1861, and that he might wish to rethink the message behind it. But I chose not to, because I'm certain the fellow was packing heat, and I was afraid he might be able to track me.