Today's Musical Selection: "With Every Beat Of My Heart" by Josie and the Pussycats
Hello there, all! After a suitable fortnightly wait, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice have returned to proffer romantic advice for the quietly desperate masses out there. Our cuddly couple comes to us today from Birmingham, Alabama, where Uncle Millie says he's "looking for some Southern Comfort." Aunt Beatrice says he's not talking about the beverage, either, but knowing Uncle Millie, he probably is. At least partially. Unless he's actually talking about... well, never mind that. Let's just turn things over to Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice, shall we? Take it away, you crazy lovebirds!
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I Know A Place For Lovers Who Wander -- For Instance, My Hotel Room, by Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice
UM: Howdy, lads! And a big sooooooooooooooeeeeeeeeey to you all!
AB: They say "y'all" down here, dear.
UM: Yes, yes. Well, we all (or is it "w'all"?) are having a hooting and hollering good time down here in Birmingham! Yes, sir.
AB: You'll have to forgive Uncle Millie. Ever since we crossed the Mason-Dixon Line, he's been attempting to master the Southern dialect. Without success.
UM: Now, that's just a crockpot of crawfish, my love. I've taken to the Southern culture as a river trout takes to the mighty Mississippi! My heart belongs to Dixie.
AB: "Dixie" being the name of the woman he met while country line-dancing on Sunday.
UM: I can grapevine with the best of them, y'all lads!
AB: Just give it up, will you? You sound ridiculous.
UM: Bullhockey, love. Bartender, sir! Why don't y'all bring us a couple more bourbon and we'll take a gander on through these-here letters?
BARTENDER: Do what now?
AB: You're all ready to be character witnesses in the homicide trial, right?
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
About three months ago, my girlfriend dumped me. I didn't really see it coming, and I took it pretty hard. I'm starting to recover from the blow, I think, and get back to my ordinary routine. Except where it comes to relationships. My friends have been trying to fix me up on blind dates, and for a while I resisted, because I just wasn't ready. Finally, though, I went on one last week. The girl was nice enough, but I spent the whole time thinking about the ways she wasn't as good as my old girlfriend. Ack! I feel like I'll never be able to enjoy dating again, because the new girls just won't measure up. How do I get myself in a better frame of mind?
Randy in Saginaw
UM: Well, now, lad, that's what we Dixie folks like to call a real pickle. That girlfriend of yours, she wound herself around your heart like kudzu.
AB: Kudzu? You don't even know what kudzu looks like.
UM: Why, I surely do, love. Now, lad, y'all are gonna need to turn it all around, I reckon.
AB: Enough, Gomer. Randy, it's not at all uncommon to struggle with dating again after the end of a long-term relationship, especially if the breakup wasn't your idea. And yes, the first few dates are probably going to be awkward for you. You just need to ride it out and know that the pain will fade over time.
UM: Just like when y'all get kicked in the family jewels by a mule.
BARTENDER: Do what now?
AB: Ignore him, bartender; he's not used to all this sun. If you still find yourself having trouble, you might want to sit down and force yourself to think about your former girlfriend's shortcomings. After all, no one's perfect, and surely your girlfriend did some things that bothered you. Perhaps she always forgot your birthday, or didn't call when she was running late, or insisted in attempting an accent that she wasn't even vaguely capable of pulling off.
UM: Why now, ma'am, I do believe you're referring to myself there.
AB: You think so? Anyway, Randy, I think once you start thinking of your old girlfriend as paradise lost and start thinking of her as a real person, you'll have an easier time seeing other girls as measuring up. Sure, your new date may not know exactly how much mayonnaise you like on your sandwiches, but she's probably got qualities that your last girlfriend didn't. And soon enough, you'll be able to see new women without comparing them to your last girlfriend at all.
UM: The darling little lady has said some fine things, but she's managed to overlook the surest solutions to your woes, lad. The only surefire way to forget about your last girlfriend is through lots of meaningless sex. See now, your head and your heart are plagued with the memories of the girl that dumped you. But your body's always ready for a good time. Let it guide you from bed to bed, and you'll forget about that ol' girl in no time.
AB: Once again, Uncle Millie proves that idiocy sounds the same in any accent. And if you ever call me your "darling little lady" again, I'm going to turn that mule loose on you.
UM: Whoa, Nelly!
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
I've been dating "Margaret" for about 6 months now. Margaret's smart and funny and I enjoy spending time with her. The problem is physical intimacy. I like it, she doesn't. I'm not talking about sex; I'm talking about hugging and kissing and even holding hands. I'm really into all that stuff, but she doesn't seem to go for it. She doesn't resist it, exactly, but when I move in to kiss her or put my arm around her, I can feel her stiffen up a little. Is this normal? What can I do about it?
Marty in Phoenix
AB: Hi, Marty. If you and Margaret have been dating for six months and she's still not comfortable with hugging and kissing you, that's definitely not normal. She has a problem of some sort with physical intimacy. Possibly she was abused as a child, or perhaps physical contact was rare in her family. Maybe she recently left a bad relationship. Maybe she was raped. There are a lot of possibilities. And the only way to know for sure is to talk to her about it. The two of you are long overdue for a discussion about this.
UM: I thought that was their problem. They need, as Elvis said, "a little less conversation, a little more action."
AB: Hush. Marty, clearly this relationship isn't going to be satisfactory to you unless you have more physical contact, so you need to sit Margaret down and explain that, and find out why she doesn't seem to enjoy it. Don't be accusatory, just be honest and direct. "I've noticed that you seem to stiffen up whenever I try to hug or kiss you. Is there a reason you're not comfortable with that?" And be open-minded and listen to what she has to say. For all you know, maybe you hug so hard she thinks you're going to crush her, or perhaps she thinks you're a bad kisser. THe most important thing is to be able to communicate openly with her about it.
UM: Aw, bullhockey, my love. Lad, you're a true saint to have stuck it out this long with a cold fish like her. But how long can you stand around trying to get water from a dry well? I say you should dump her and find someone who's good at the indoor rodeo, if you catch my drift.
AB: We all catch your drift, dear. People in Africa are catching your drift even as we speak.
UM: Yeehaw! Well, go on out there and ride 'em, cowboy.
AB: Seriously, Millie, if you don't drop the accent, I'm going to get a branding iron and apply it somewhere very unpleasant.
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
I have a question about lovemaking. I have a long-distance boyfriend, and he and I have lots of fun in bed whenever he comes to visit. We're compatible sexually, and we both love to try new things, which is really great.
Here's the problem: My boyfriend has this fetish. I've heard of it before, but it's unique enough that if I said it here, he'd probably be able to identify himself. Anyway, I'm not really into it, but I'm willing to indulge him because he likes it so much and we don't see each other that often. At first, it was just an occasional thing (he knew I wasn't that excited about it). But now it seems like every time we make love, we have to do his fetish. It's getting to be too much. How do I talk to him about it without making it sound like I don't care about making him happy?
Heather in Dallas
UM: Well now, dear, surely you're aware that here in the South, we believe in the woman deferring to the wishes of her man. It's the natural order of things, and surely you wouldn't want to go against it. I think you should do as he requests.
AB: Thank you for that lovely 19th-century viewpoint, Uncle Millie.
UM: It's the traditional view, and we Southerners believe strongly in tradition, ma'am.
AB: For the last time, you are not a Southerner! Just stop it. I'm curious as to how often the two of them see each other. Does it say in the letter anywhere?
UM: Uh, well, no. Nothing in here about that. I didn't say anything about it, did I?
AB: No, but sometimes we trim letters for space. Let me see it; maybe there's a clue in there.
UM: Uh, no, I don't rightly think that's a good idea, ma'am.
AB: Why not?
UM: Well-
AB: Stop being silly and give me the letter.
UM: But ma'am-
AB: Give me the letter.
UM: I'd rather not-
AB: There. Thank you. Now let's take a look at- wait a second, she does mention the specific fetish in here.
UM: Yes, but I thought it would be better for everyone if we left that information out. We should protect her privacy. It doesn't change the-
AB: And it sounds awfully... familiar. Very familiar indeed. I don't think it was her privacy that you were concerned about. Was it?
UM: Well-
AB: And what's this PS? "Come on back soon! I miss you!" Interesting.
UM: Uh.
AB: Millie? Care to explain this?
UM: Well, golly, look at that there clock! I do believe we're plumb out of time-
AB: Not so fast. I haven't given Heather my advice yet. Heather, dearie, I think you should get rid of your boyfriend before his wife tracks you down. Okay, pumpkin?
UM: And that wraps up our column for today! Tune in again in two weeks for more romantic advice! Right, my love?
AB: Sure. Right after I make a gelding out of you. My love.
BARTENDER: Do what now?
UM: Happy hunting!
AB: Bye, y'all.
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Well, thank you, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice. As always, look for them again in this space two weeks from today.
And having nothing worthwhile of my own to add, I'll go ahead and take off. See you tomorrow!
Posted by Fred at July 27, 2004 03:19 PM