Today's Musical Selection: "Cheap Seats" by Alabama
Hey there, everybody! I've got some exciting news to share with all of you, and I'll get to that at the end of today's entry. First, though, I want to share with you my thoughts on the All-Star Game, which took place last night at Don't-Call-Us-Enron Field in Houston.
MLB's is the only all-star showdown I watch with regularity. The defense-optional contests that the NBA and NHL put on bore me, and the NFL's flag-football Pro Bowl is beneath contempt (though fun, I'm sure, for the players, who get a trip to Hawaii out of it). And being the sort of person I am, naturally I enjoy offering a sarcastic running commentary for the amusement of myself and my viewing partners. The problem is that last night, I didn't have any viewing partners. Therefore, I struck on the idea of typing up my commentary while the game was in progress, and posting it for the amusement of you, The Reader. Ever wonder what it's like to watch a game with Mediocre Fred? Well, now you can find out! All you need to add is me pacing the room and periodically diving for the Doritos and Coke, and it's like you're there! So sit back and enjoy!
- For the curious: For tonight's All-Star viewing, I'm wearing a Seattle Pilots cap. A show of support to my boys, the former Pilots. Frinklin, this one's for you.
- Love the Blues Brothers theme, but, um, wouldn't it have been better last year? (Last year, the game was in Chicago.) It seems like the product of some genius marketing guy who was just hired. "Gee, why didn't we do this last year?" Okay, let's do it this year.
- The "I, All-Star" promo/intro was unfortunate. First of all, Will Smith has no business anywhere near the All-Star Game. Second, comparing the players to robots... bad idea.
- Why don't the players smile during introductions? Most of them showed all the warmth and excitement of men standing in front of a firing squad. Can't you at least pretend it's an honor, guys? The first player to even show a hint of a smile was Curt Schilling; first player to show teeth was Gary Sheffield, who was actually being booed.
- Hey, wouldn't it really suck to be at the All-Star game in front of your hometown fans... and get booed? Welcome to hell, Jimy Williams. (Especially if rumors of your impending dismissal are true.) Fun note: all four All-Star "coaches" (Tony Pena, Carlos Tosca, Clint Hurdle, Williams) might be fired before the year's out. Wonder if that's ever happened before? [Editor's note: Williams was fired the day after the game, replaced by former Brewers and Tigers manager Phil Garner, one of the game's good guys who deserves a chance to show what he can do with major-league talent.]
- Both the Brewers' representatives, Ben Sheets and Danny Kolb, smiled. At least they appeared happy to be there. Thanks for making us proud.
- Derek Jeter appeared to be walking with a limp when he was introduced. I was tempted to call my dad and say, "Hey, your shortstop's limping," but I know that would just give him another opportunity to whine about the Yankees' alleged woes. Nobody knows de trouble I've seen...
- Fantasia Barrino (who I understand won the "American Idol" show) sung the national anthem. As has become typical in the modern age, it was a complete butchery. Attention, pop singers everywhere: Do not attempt to sing the National Anthem. You will only embarrass yourself. You do not have the vocal range. However, if you cannot avoid singing the anthem, remember: It is not a torch song. It is not the place for you to do that little R&B voice-modulation warbling thing that bad singers everywhere do to draw attention to themselves. If I have to hear one more singer go Christina Aguilera on the anthem, I'm going to snap and start mowing down people with an Uzi. Just stop it.
- Muhammad Ali has deteriorated badly, alas. The shaking is uncontrollable and very visible. (Not when he starts boxing, though; when he throws jabs, he looks like the Ali of old.) I'm glad they didn't try to have him throw out a pitch. The sense of humor's still intact, though: During a group photo, he gave bunny ears to Alex Rodriguez. That made me smile.
- Quote from announcer Tim McCarver: "Guerrero is a great player. He's been nicknamed Vlad the Terrible." Vlad the Terrible?! Isn't that Vlad the Impaler? It's Ivan the Terrible. Moron.
- If Roger Clemens loses this game, will he blame his catcher? And by the way, did anyone tell him that "This One Counts"? He sure isn't pitching like it. [Editor's note: This morning, Tom Boswell wrote that he thought Piazza pulled a Crash Davis and told the hitters what was coming. Sure would serve Clemens right.]
- Alex Rodriguez asked the umpire to check the ball. Does he really think Clemens is throwing spitballs in an All-Star Game? Then again, if anyone would throw spitballs in an All-Star Game, it would probably be Clemens.
- McCarver: "It has been a disappointing season for the Houston Astros fans here in Houston." Has it been less disappointing for Astros fans elsewhere?
- A grounder to second, clanks off Jeff Kent's glove, and McCarver is stunned that they called it an error. Hello? Giambi is not a fast runner. Kent had him dead to rights if the ball landed in his glove. McCarver's not adding much value to tonight's broadcast, if you ask me.
- More McCarver: "Randy Johnson was scheduled to be the second pitcher, but instead it looks like McKeon will bring in [Danny] Kolb. Which makes sense because the National League is already six runs down." Which makes sense because...? They really need to either cut off McCarver's mike, or cut off the beer supply to the booth.
- Bottled-water commercial featuring stereotypical Irish people singing "Drink, drink, drink" and brawling. How tasteful. That commercial got my Irish up, that's for sure.
- George and Barbara Bush are sitting in the front row (I saw them in the background while Rolen was batting). No acknowledgement by the crew. Perhaps if they had a Fox sitcom, they'd rate a mention. (The Bushes finally got their call in the fourth. Although I think the producer had to browbeat Buck and McCarver into mentioning them.)
- Oh, look, it's Halle Berry in "Bondage Gear: The Movie!" Didn't Cameron Diaz just star in that? I guess this just proves: one woman's desperate-for-cash porn movie is another woman's star vehicle.
- Ivan Rodriguez loves Yanni. The Fox guys gave him a hard time about it, with a little montage and everything (great line by Joe Buck: "Somewhere, Pat Morita is weeping"). Different strokes and all, but... between the love of Yanni and the kissing his relievers during the playoffs last year, you have to wonder about Pudge a tad, don't you? Is he married? Just wondering.
- Danny Kolb goes one scoreless inning. Doing my boys proud! Nice work, Danny.
- The Mastercard commercial about the Red Sox in the World Series was brilliant. Tremendously clever. (It was also good, though expected, when they did it for the Cubs. I bet they won't do it for the White Sox. How bad does it suck to be a White Sox fan, with all the tragic history of the BoSox and Cubs, but none of the love from intellectuals and romantics?)
- By the way, Ivan Rodriguez just patted Barry Larkin on the butt as Larkin stepped into the batter's box. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- Fox has this dumb animated puppet, Scooter, who's explaining baseball terms for the kiddies out there. So Scooter explains what a slider is, and McCarver says, "Thank you, Scooter." Joe Buck points out, "You just thanked an animated character." And McCarver goes, "Yeah, I do that a lot these days. For whatever reason." And I believe him. For whatever reason. McCarver later says, "There's the slider that Scooter was talking about," therefore proving that he appears to regard Scooter as a real person. More medication for Mr. McCarver, please...
- Buck and McCarver just finished canonizing Bobby Cox for bringing the Braves back into the race. Sample quote from Buck: "You give Bobby Cox a bunch of veterans, and he'll turn that bunch into a winner." Not to spit on Bobby's Hall of Fame plaque or anything, but 45-42 is an interesting definition of "winner." The Brewers have a better record.
- Lousy feed... the picture keeps flickering and breaking up. Where'd Fox get their satellite, Wal-Mart?
- Ichiro Suzuki swings the bat like a 5-year-old, throwing his whole body into the swing, but damned if it doesn't work. He looks like he should be hitting about .050, but he's a magician.
- Randy Johnson breaks off a wicked slider, and McCarver says two things that flabbergasted me: "Scooter would have been proud of that slider" and "Terrifying... in any language." Oh, nurse...
- That Burger King commercial where the guy throws his buddy's TV out the window always cracks me up. Don't know why. Also, I love the line in the Gatorade commercial, "It's ninety feet to first no matter where home is."
- Jack McKeon commenting on the NL East race: "There's four teams that are right in it, and whoever gets on a hot streak over the next month or so is gonna make it hard for us." Implied: The Marlins aren't going to be that team. Gamblers, take note.
- Sign of the apocalypse: "The Budweiser Fantasy Player of the First Half." Just shoot me now, please.
- The "Diamond Cam" view of the batter looks like the view of a drunk in the gutter trying to look up someone's skirt. Not that I know that view personally.
- I've never understood the fascination with aerial shots of an event taking place in a domed stadium. Ever wanted to see what the roof of Houston's stadium looks like? Me either.
- Barry Bonds, standing on first base, just told Jason Giambi, "Love you, baby." Not that there's anything wrong with that. That led to the following McCarver rant: "That sound bite just goes to prove that there has never been anything useful said between a first baseman and the runner on first in the history of baseball. Ever. Ever!" McCarver proceeds to babble about this for five minutes, but he's absolutely right. Kudos to McCarver for taking a slap at his own network's programming decision there. (Joe Buck contributed his own version of this chatter, in English and Spanish, though his knowledge of Spanish appears limited to "Que passa?")
- I can't say enough bad things about the stupid gimmicks at Don't-Call-Us-Enron Field. The train? The hill? The flagpole on the field? The hill and flagpole are ripped off from old ballparks, in other cities, where there was an actual reason for them. In Houston, they're stupid and self-consciously kitschy. And I've seen centerfielders practically kill themselves chasing flyballs up that damned hill. And the train is stupid beyond words. I hate that park.
- Clever between-innings music segue: "If You're Gonna Play in Texas" by Alabama. Or, rather, it would have been clever if they'd actually played that line. Instead, we got "That lead guitar is hot but not for a Louisiana man," thereby ensuring that the humor was lost on 99.9% of the audience. Good move, Fox!
- Did you know that C.C. Sabathia is a junior? What's more, he just had a son, whom he named C.C. the Third. I don't know what to do with this information.
- Sabathia wears his cap cockeyed, in the current hip-hop fashion. And McCarver, showing off his knowledge of modern trends, said, "He wears that cap like a true left-hander." Whatever that means. McCarver apparently didn't notice the distinctly right-handed Ron Belliard, who wears his cap the same way.
- Buck just talked a bit about the Astros' struggles this season, describing in some detail the Beltran trade and Houston's in-limbo status right now. And McCarver, whom I'll remind you is being paid to provide color commentary, adds the following priceless informative gem: "Yep."
- Ivan Rodriguez wears so much jewelry that the microphone actually picks up the sound of it jingling around his neck. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- McCarver just aimed for some poetic announcing, and it came back to bite him, which should be no surprise to anyone who's been paying attention. Here's the offending sentence: "Pujols keeps the bat on the ball, keeps it fair, and keeps the National League back in the game." What? How do you keep someone back in the game?
- Oh, look, they just stopped the game in the middle so that Bud Selig could give a bad speech and give Roger Clemens a lifetime-achievement award. I'll bet that seemed like a good idea before Clemens gave up six runs in the first inning. (And Joe Buck, classy to the end, just reminded Clemens of his stinkbomb in front of a packed house, on national TV, with Clemens' family standing right there. I imagine Buck was only sorry he couldn't tell Clemens that his fly was open.)
- In his speech, Selig referred to Clemens' "Hall of Fame 21 career." I assume the word "year" was supposed to be in there somewhere. I've always been a Selig defender, in terms of his commissionership, but the man is not a speechmaker.
- Joe Buck made it up from the field back to the booth fairly quickly, and McCarver said, "Runs fast for an announcer! How'd you get here so fast?" And Buck said, "Through the magic of the 5-year-old stadium elevators." Now, Don't-Call-Us-Enron-Field opened in 2001. Are the elevators older than the stadium? I'm confused.
- McCarver described Javier Vazquez's curveball as a "12-to-6 curveball." This is plainly false. It's a 1:30-to-7:30 curveball. Although picking on McCarver for this feels like a cheap shot, given all the other crap he's been spewing.
- Fox just ran a tale-of-the-tape-style graphic comparing Braves catcher Johnny Estrada to CHiPs star Erik Estrada. Ha ha ha. I wonder how long that one's been sitting in the can. I'll bet some production assistant got a raise for that one!
- Ivan Rodriguez flies out, and he gives the first-base coach a handjob on his way off the field. Not that there's anything wrong with that. (Okay, so I made that one up.)
- I'm sure Derek Jeter enjoys the endless replays of his dramatic diving catch into the stands from a couple weeks back, but I'll bet he could live without the shots of his bruised and bloodied face. Just a thought.
- David Ortiz just went deep, and Miguel Tejada appears to be his personal servant. Tejada toweled Ortiz's face dry, fanned him with a towel, and gave him some sort of congratulatory cheek-slapping ceremony. I wonder what Ortiz did for Tejada when Miggy won the Home Run Derby. Probably nothing. It's a rough life.
- Joe Torre just admitted that he spelled Ted Lilly's name wrong on the lineup card (he wrote "Lily"). Not that Ted's an undeserving All-Star representative or anything. I'll bet you even know what team he plays for. Go ahead, guess. I'll wait. (Answer: Toronto)
- Miller just had an ad proclaiming its taste superiority to Bud, and invited viewers to visit the Web site www.sweetmotheroffrothygoodnessthatsbadnewsforbud.com. Being the sort of person I am, I immediately entered this URL in (I even spelled it all correctly), hoping that I'd be rewarded with free beer for life, or at least some cool video or something, in exchange for my persistance. The reality, however, was a bitter disappointment. It's a cold, cruel world we live in.
- There was just a commercial for a movie called "Harold and Kumar Go To the White Castle." I watched patiently through this commerical, waiting for the announcer to say, "Is this movie coming soon to a theater near you?" and for one of the actors to reply, "No, but I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance." But no. Apparently this is a real movie. Heaven help us all.
- A perfect 8th for Ben Sheets. How about that! For the record, to date: Brewers pitchers 2 IP, no runs, 1 hit; all the other NL pitchers 6 IP, 9 runs, 12 hits. Am I proud to be a Brewer fan tonight? You bet your ass I am. Maybe McKeon should have found room for a few more of our guys...
- Here it is, the 9th inning, and on comes uber-reliever Eric Gagne... with the NL losing 9-4. I was hoping that the scoreboard operator would have a sense of humor and flash "GAME OVER" as Gagne came in, but no such luck. Wouldn't it be funny if teams that make a big production over their closers were forced to go through the same production when their closers entered in non-closing situations? Even better, those teams should be forced to bring in their closers at least once per season in a mop-up situation. Wouldn't it be great if, say, the Padres had to bring in Trevor Hoffman to the tune of "Hell's Bells" when the score was, like, 12-2? Am I alone in feeling this way?
- Another Gagne note: I didn't realize until tonight that he has an accent mark over the "E" in his name on the back of the uniform. I guess he got tired of people pronouncing his name like Greg Gagne. As far as I'm concerned, if he wants to insist on the French pronunciation of he name, he should have stayed in Canada. (By the way, the accent mark in Gagne's game is properly called an "accent aigu." See, Mom, four years of French lessons paid off!)
- It's final now, 9-4 AL, and the whole team came out to the mound to celebrate the victory. Mariano Rivera traded high-fives with his catcher, Victor Martinez, then Pudge came out and jumped on Mariano's back with a big grin on his face. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- Alfonso Soriano won the MVP award, and he proceeded to speak excitedly with Jeanne Zelasko about his general joy at winning the game and his season to date. I'd relate exactly what he said, but I'm afraid I didn't catch any of it. He reminds me a lot of Chico Escuela, the fictional Mets ballplayer on Saturday Night Live back in the '70s. I'm not sure if Soriano actually said "Baseball has been berry, berry good to me," but I wouldn't be surprised.
- In recapping the events of the game, McCarver began by saying, "The worm turned early in this one." If he was referring to the worm in the bottom of a tequila bottle, I'm with you on this one, Tim.
So what did we learn last night? We learned: Pop singers should not attempt the National Anthem. Tim McCarver should probably be committed to a mental institution. Halle Berry looks good in skintight leather. The Brewers are doing their fans proud. Bud Selig shouldn't give speeches in public. "Harold and Kumar Go To the White Castle" is a real movie. Baseball has been berry, berry good to Alfonso Soriano. And Ivan Rodriguez is a homosexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
No announcement on the Expos yet, but all the signs continue to point to a decision coming soon. Here's hoping we see a resolution quickly, so this whole charade can be moved out of the spotlight.
Speaking of big announcements, here's mine: I'm movin' on up! Yes, the MuNu community has gathered in secret and decided to allow me into their community. The upshot of this is that I'll be setting up in new digs in the near future. As soon as I have more details, I'll share them with you, The Reader, but for now let me just say I'm honored to be asked, and I look forward to the untold wealth and elevated social status that undoubtedly come along with being a member of the MuNuniverse.
And with that, I'm taking off for the day. See you tomorrow!
Posted by Fred at July 14, 2004 04:43 PM