Today's Musical Selection: "Communication Breakdown" by Led Zeppelin
Hi there, everyone. As per usual, it's time for the Friday ramble-fest. Tomorrow morning, Papa Shaft and I set sail for Pittsburgh. Mentally, I'm already there, standing on line at Primanti Brothers. But let's see what I can dredge up for your entertainment.
Ah, here's an item in today's Post, warning Fedroplex residents to watch out for coyotes. I think I speak for Washingtonians throughout the area when I say: What the hell? Coyotes? Since when are coyotes a feature of life in the Fedroplex? Up until now, it has been a fixed fact of my existence that coyotes are a Southwestern thing. (There is, after all, a reason that the Winnipeg Jets chose "Coyotes" as a name when they moved to Phoenix.) I'd always considered it safe to assume that coyotes had their sphere of existence and I had mine, and never the twain shall meet. Why can't the coyotes stay in their region? (To be fair, very few coyotes can read maps, and so they probably don't know they're trespassing, but still.) The article is silent on how the coyotes got here; I assume they've been taking advantage of Southwest's Fun Fares.
I'm curious: What attracted the coyotes to this area? Is it our renowned school system? The booming tech industry? Personally, if I was a coyote, I probably would choose to live somewhere where I was less likely to be run over by some idiot cell-phone yakker driving his Lexus SUV 20 miles over the speed limit up the shoulder, but I am not a coyote. Any coyotes reading this are encouraged to leave a comment explaining their choice of habitat.
Sticking with the latest from our Washington desk, good news for late-night Metro riders angry about the unbelievably sutpid decision to run 2-car trains at night: Metro is monitoring the situation. Expect a quick reversal as irate passenger threaten to throw Metro's "monitors" under the train if they don't bring back 4-car trains in a hurry. I have a feeling that the 2-car-train fiasco will soon sit alongside other disastrous decisions in history, like Custer's Last Stand and the introduction of the Arch Deluxe at McDonald's.
Angry Metro customers will enjoy this humorous list of suggestions on how Metro can further economize. I'm still laughing.
Only in Virginia: The General Assembly, in a rare burst of forward thinking, finally gets around to repealing some of the old Sunday "blue laws" from the 1600s... and they accidentally arrange things so that workers have the right to demand Saturday or Sunday off for religious reasons. Stunned business leaders have pointed out that this might force some companeis to close entirely on Sundays, due to a lack of employees. Virginia's esteemed leaders are currently trying to figure out what they can do about this. Leave it to Virginia to try modernizing the laws and wind up back in the 1800s. (Seriously, I've read enough state codes in my time to realize how easy it would be to make this mistake. But it tickles me anyway, because it's so Virginia.)
And now, let's shift the spotlight back to me. I'm looking forward to this trip... it's nice to get out on the road, experience a change of scenery, get some fresh air. Sometimes, in connection with my job, I spend a few days on the road, visiting glamorous places like Beltsville and Springfield, and I always enjoy that. I don't like being chained to the desk, but it's more than that. I like choosing my own route, deciding whether to start the day early or late, listening to my music all day, figuring out shortcuts and back roads, having lunch whenever I pass an interesting restaurant... it's like being an independent agent, instead of an employee.
Of course, I do enjoy getting a regular paycheck. That's one part of the emplyer-employee relationship that really works for me. Something about getting paid gives me a funny special feeling... I believe it's called "being able to eat." And being able to eat makes the world go 'round. Not literally, of course. Gravitational forces make the world go 'round. But you know what I mean. Right? Uh, right?
All right, stop it right there, Freddy!
What? It's... my old office-mate Hammerin' Hank! What are you doing here? I thought you were in prison.
I got time off for good behavior.
That's hard to imagine.
Haw haw. Anyway, here I am!
I see that. But why?
I can see that you're steering this column straight into the ditch. You're fresh out of ideas, and that's where I come in.
Well, all right. I could probably use the help. But we aren't going to see a replay of the same insensitivity and crudity that got you banished from the blog previously, are we?
No, "we" aren't. I mean, I'm a man with opinion, and I ain't gonna go pussyfooting around like you. "Oh, gosh, I almost have an opinion on this... maybe I should take a firm stand... but that might upset someone, and I hate seeing people upset... heaven forbid I take a position on something... what to do, what to do?" Are you still clearing all your opinions with the Smart Chick?
No. And I never did that. I respect the Smart Lady's opinions, but we do disagree on some things. And I don't sound like that, either. It's just that most issues have several points of view that are valid, and I want to make sure that I recognize-
Yeah, yeah, whatever. You just scoot over and let me take over, and you can go back to fantasizing about eating those fat-boy Primanti Brothers sandwiches and worshipping the Smart Chick. All right?
I'm not so sure about this.
Thank you. Now, let's see what you've got here... coyotes in DC, huh? You don't know why they're here? Well, I do.
You do? Well, this should be interesting, for once! You actually have some useful information to impart.
Shut up and let me finish, okay?
Sorry.
Now, why are the coyotes coming around DC? I think it's pretty obvious, but obvious stuff ain't always so obvious to your over-educated types like Freddy over there. Go to college, get some fancy degree, and it seems like you don't know nothing useful. I got a GED, and that's book learning enough for me. Anyhow, I'm sure you non-intellectuals have figured out about the coyotes already, but just in case we got a buncha intellectuals out there reading this, I'll explain it to you.
Now, where do coyotes usually live? Out in the Southwest? And what's in the Southwest? That's right, Mexicans. The place is overrun with 'em. The coyotes are used to that. It makes 'em comfortable. So what happens when the Mexicans start taking over places like DC? The coyotes follow 'em.
How do the coyotes know where the Mexicans are going? They follow the smell. Wherever Mexicans go, they set up Mexican restaurants and supermercados and all that other Mexican crap, so it's just like home, only cleaner and with decent-paying jobs. Plus, a lot of 'em live 15 and 20 to a house, and a lot of 'em don't believe in regular showering, if you know what I mean. So the coyotes can track the Mexican BO and the smell of frijoles. Plus, ever notice how a lot of 'em wear way too much cologne? (The Mexicans, not the coyotes.) I can smell a Mexican from a mile off with that cologne. And the coyotes can smell real good, so they can probably smell that cologne from a hundred miles off. So the coyotes put their noses to the wind, and if they catch a whiff of Mexican food, Mexican BO, and cheap cologne, they figure it's home. And off they go.
So if we want to keep the coyotes out of DC, the solution is obvious: Get rid of the Mexicans.
Hank!
What?
I already warned you about this. What you just said is racist and ignorant and just plain repulsive. I can't believe I thought you actually knew the first thing about coyotes.
Hey, that's facts, buddy boy. You can like it or lump it.
No, it's not "facts," Hank. It's bigoted claptrap. And while I should have come to expect this from you, I'm still disappointed. I thought you might have learned something while you were away.
Hey, Freddy, in the words of my personal hero, Dick Cheney-
Oh, no you don't. Not on this blog. Get out.
Whatever. I shall return.
Over my dead body.
Don't give me no ideas.
Good point. Hammerin' Hank, everybody. I'm very, very sorry.
And that's all for this week. I may or may not post on Monday, depending on how my schedule works out. See you next week!
Posted by Fred at July 2, 2004 05:40 PM