Today's Musical Selection: "Love Rollercoaster" by the Ohio Players
Good day, Fredheads! As promised, today Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice make their debut here at the new site. Today they are coming to us from Sandusky, Ohio, home of the famous Cedar Point amusement park. Cedar Point is famous for its roller coasters, and I'd always been under the impression that Aunt Beatrice was afraid of heights, but perhaps I was wrong. I'm sure all my confusion -- or at least some of it -- will be cleared up momentarily. Take it away, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice!
- - - - -
Love Hurts, Especially If Your Wife Catches You At It While She's Armed, by Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice
UM: Hello, lads! A fine good morning to you from beautiful Sandusky, Ohio. Wait, I take that back. The city has suffered quite a bit in my personal esteem of late.
AB: You see, Uncle Millie came here to enjoy the roller coasters at Cedar Point, which I can't stand. But as always, what Uncle Millie wants, Uncle Millie gets.
UM: I was all set to enjoy a lovely diverting Labor Day weekend here, only the grim-faced Cedar Point management refused to accede to my wishes.
AB: What Uncle Millie means is that they refused to let him ride the roller coasters. They felt that he posed a danger to himself and others due to his drunkenness.
UM: Who ever heard of a breathalyzer test to ride a roller coaster? I'll bet they never do that to anyone else.
AB: You're one of a kind, dear.
UM: Well, that's certainly true. At any rate, thwarted in my desire, my lovely wife and I went ahead and saw everything there is to see here in Sandusky.
AB: That was an enjoyable fifteen minutes.
UM: And since we were booked here through today, we decided to make the best of things here in the hotel room. Isn't that right, my dear?
AB: Well, I have managed to finish the Sunday New York Times crossowrd.
UM: That's not what I meant. I was referring to last night.
AB: I know you were. But I don't think our readers need to hear about that.
UM: Two hours straight just-
AB: All right, Millie, that's enough.
UM: I mean, I'd never even thought of using Icy Hot arthritis rub that way before.
AB: Millie!
UM: What?
AB: We still have an advice column to do. Shall we get to the letters?
UM: Certainly, my dear.
AB: And please stop humming "I'm a Man" over and over.
UM: Very well.
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
I'm having ex-girlfriend trouble. I dated "Mallory" for a year and a half, and we broke up about five months ago. The breakup was my decision, and she didn't take it well. That I understood. What I don't understand is the fact that she refuses to let it go. She keeps calling and sending letters, and whenever mutual friends have get-togethers, she "mysteriously" shows up, whether or not she was invited. I've tried being nice, I've tried being mean, I've tried ignoring her, and nothing works. How do I get Mallory to stay out of my life?
Steve in Clarksville
AB: Hi, Steve. It can take a long time to get over a break-up that wasn't your idea, but Mallory's behavior is over the line. She needs to leave you alone and sort through this on her own. You should sit her down and explain to her that she can't keep doing this, and then you need to back it up. Screen your calls and don't answer the letters, and if she insists on showing up at group soirees, just ignore her. If she can't get your attention, she'll have to give up.
UM: Lad, you're a saint to have put up with it this long. I'd have summoned the boys in blue well before this point. On occasion, I've been known to keep the authorities on call during difficult breakups. This woman is a stalker, lad. She's a danger.
AB: Now, Millie, she's awfully persistent, but I don't know if I'd call her a stalker.
UM: I surely would. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction," lad? You should rent it so that you know what you're up against. I went to see that film when it came out. I was between marriages at the time, and that movie put me off dating for the better part of three weeks.
AB: Oh, come on. The woman in "Fatal Attraction" was a homicidal maniac.
UM: And you think this woman isn't? Here's a tip, lad, from a man who knows. Whenever I break up with a woman, I change my phone number and my locks. In fact, you might be better off in future never giving the woman your phone number or address. You might even consider giving her a fake name, so that she can't track you after you break up.
AB: And what happens if you decide to marry her? Do you reveal your real name and address then?
UM: I'd seriously consider it.
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
I've been married for five years. "Jill" is a sweet, caring woman, and I enjoy spending time with her. The problem is that, since our marriage, she's put on about 75 pounds. We haven't had any kids or anything; she just let herself go. Naturally, this has put a dent in our sex life, in the sense of making it go away. We haven't made love in months. I can't help it; it's like mounting Bossy the Cow. Is there a sensitive way to approach this subject?
Mike in Hammond
AB: Hi, Mike. I'm certainly glad you sought someone else's advice on how to be "sensitive" about this. That "Bossy the Cow" line alone is grounds enough for divorce. I'm sure you look exactly the same as you did when you were married.
UM: I'm sure he put on a few, but my Lord, woman! 75 pounds? It's like strapping a female gymnast around your waist! I'd have dropped this woman like a stone a long time ago.
AB: Uncle Millie's all charm, isn't he? Look, Mike, no one gains 75 pounds by accident. Something's clearly bothering her. A lot of people, for instance, overeat as a result of depression. Maybe the marriage isn't working out so well for her, either. I think you two are overdue for a talk, possibly in the company of a therapist.
UM: Oh, my sweet naive darling. Lad, my dear Beatrice believes greatly in the power of talking. She must; I assume that's why she talks all the time. And I mean all the time, lad. I could tell you stories-
AB: I assume there's some advice coming here.
UM: Yes, yes. Let me offer you an analogy, lad: Let's imagine you just bought a car. And about 5,000 miles down the road, the transmission fell out. You'd take the car back, right? Well, there ought to be a similar warranty for marriages. If, upon a little road testing, it turns out that you didn't get the same spouse you thought you did, you should be able to return her for a refund.
AB: Ladies, I give you the man with whom the honeymoon never ends.
UM: Thank you. At any rate, lad, since our esteemed politicians have yet to write a lemon-law provision into the marriage codes, you're probably stuck with her. But lad, this is what mistresses were designed for. If your woman isn't putting out to your satisfaction, get yourself a spare!
AB: We're going to get letters.
UM: Of course we are. This is an advice column.
AB: I'm talking about the letters giving us advice about what we can do with our advice.
UM: Oh.
Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,
I have a bit of an odd question. I'm 21, and my friends think of me as an advice-giver. They're always coming to me with relationship questions and stuff. Well, my best friend "Karen" just came to me with a stunning story. She told me that she's having an incestuous relationship with her brother. She asked me what she should do, and I had no idea what to tell her! What kind of advice do you give someone in that situation?
Glenda the Mother Confessor
UM: Well, I assume this letter must come from-
AB: Sorry, folks, I had to gag Uncle Millie for this one, because I knew where he was heading. He was about to make a joke about West Virginia, because in his mind he associates West Virginia with incest. He can't help himself. And since his "advice" was going to consist of a bunch of bad one-liners, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
UM: Mmpf!
AB: Now, Glenda, this seems like the sort of matter best left to the professionals. Incest may seem like a bad joke to most of us-
UM: Mmpf...
AB: -but it's actually quite a serious matter. Your friend is probably going to have a lot of emotional issues to deal with in the wake of this. I'd suggest looking for a good family therapist and giving that number to your friend. It's not the kind of thing for amateurs to be meddling with.
Now, let's remove the gag and see if Uncle Millie has any actual advice for Glenda. How about it, Millie?
UM: Five million people and fifteen last names! Ha ha ha hmmpf-
AB: I guess he doesn't. So seek out an expert, Glenda, and go from there. All right, Millie. Do you promise to quit with the incest jokes?
UM: Mmpfpfph!
AB: Unless you want the gag to stay there permanently, you'd better stop.
UM: Mpf-hmpf.
AB: All right.
UM: Well, it looks like that's it for today's advice column! I do want to take a moment and be serious, though.
AB: Is that possible?
UM: Hush now, Beatrice. Seriously, I'd like to wish a swift recovery to Bill Clinton, who underwent quadruple bypass sugery yesterday. Mr. Clinton was a fine president, and a lover of the ladies. Old-school rogues like Bill and myself are a dying breed as it is, and here's hoping that he'll be able to continue the tradition for years to come. Godspeed, Mr. President!
AB: Yes, we wish you well, Mr. President! And we'll be back in two weeks.
UM: Happy hunting!
- - - - -
Thank you, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice. And I'll see all you readers tomorrow!
Posted by Fred at September 7, 2004 07:29 PM