Mediocre Fred's Mediocre Blog (Ret.)

Advice-o-Rama

Today's Musical Selection: "True Fine Love" by the Steve Miller Band

Hi, everybody! It's time for more romantic advice from Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice, inasmuch as it's been two weeks since the last one. Uncle Millie reports that he's "chomping at the bit." Aunt Beatrice reports that he's been chomping at some corn dogs, since they come to us today from Six Flags America in the wilds of suburban Maryland. Aunt Beatrice also wishes to inform the owner of the 48DD bra that she found in their hotel room last night may come by to claim it any time, although if she's smart she might choose not to. At any rate, let me step aside and turn things over to Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice!

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Call Me, Anytime.... Operators are Standing By, by Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice

UM: Hello, lads! My beloved Beatrice and I have just dismounted from a truly wild ride, on the Batwing roller coaster. How did you enjoy that ride, my love?

AB: I'm, uh, not really a roller-coaster person. Not that this has stopped you from dragging me on every coaster in the park. Dear.

UM: Oh, come now, my love, you enjoyed that coaster. I heard you shrieking with delight.

AB: That wasn't delight. That was fear.

UM: No, love, I know an adrenaline-fueled scream when I hear one.

AB: So when you grabbed the rear of the young lady in the Skee Ball line, was that an "adrenaline-fueled" scream?

UM: No matter. I wanted to take a moment to congratulate my good friends in the nation's capital on securing a baseball team. Well done, lads! I fully intend to raise a toast to the new team at RFK Stadium this April. Play ball, Washington!

AB: I'm happy for the people here, too. One more team in America means fewer incidents with border-patrol officials, like the "Niagara Falls incident" last year. But Uncle Millie's lawyer has advised me not to talk about that.

UM: Shall we take a look at this week's letters?

AB: You go ahead. I'm going to sit down until my stomach stops quivering.

Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,

I'm 27, a young professional in the city, and the girls don't seem to go for me. The interesting thing is, the boys do. (I am male myself.) On three separate occasions in the last month, I have been hit on by gay men who must have assumed I swung that way. I'm not sure why this is; I've never been gay or felt any attraction to men. Is there some sort of secret signal I'm accidentally giving off? If so, could this be hurting my chances with women?

Brent in Annapolis

UM: Well, lad, this is quite the dilemma. Uncle Millie, of course, has never had this dilemma, as I have never been hit on by other men before. I assume that my natural rugged masculinity leaves no doubt about my orientation.

AB: Personally, I think it's that no man would have you.

UM: No man could handle me.

AB: No sane person can handle you. I wonder if any sane person would try. At any rate, Brent, yes, there are certain styles of dress, gestures and speech patterns that are considered to be stereotypically homosexual. And it's entirely possible that you may, purely by coincidence, have some of those characteristics. If that's the case, I wouldn't worry about it. Women worth having will look beyond those surface considerations and see the qualities underneath.

UM: What a lovely sentiment. Wrong-headed, but lovely. Lad, if you appear homosexual, women will run away from you faster than a one-eyed cat fleeing a burning building. If you truly do appear light in the loafers, it's time to "butch it up," as the saying goes.

AB: "Butch it up?"

UM: Yes. If you're obsessively concerned with your appearance, for instance, try relaxing your standards. Shave less often. Avoid hair-care products. Don't iron your clothes.

AB: In other words, become a slob?

UM: Well, everyone knows that our homosexual friends tend toward tidiness.

AB: Ah. Well, if there's anything women love, it's a slob.

UM: See, my beloved knows I am right.

AB: Keep telling yourself that.

Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,

I'm living on my own for the first time in the big city. I was born and raised from a little rural town. The adjustments have been a challenge, but so far I've been enjoyed myself. However, I've had a problem with women. The women here seem to be attracted to status, money and material things. They want men with fancy cars, fancy clothes and fancy apartments. I don't have any of those things. As a result, women keep passing me over for smooth-talking rich guys. How do I overcome this handicap?

Big Ed in the Big Apple

AB: Hi, Ed. I can understand how hard it must be to adjust to such a different environment. And yes, I'm sure a lot of big-city women are status-conscious. They're not all materialistic, though. Part of your problem might be that you're looking for love in all the wrong places, as the song says. If you spend all your time in bars and clubs, you're going to run into a lot of people fixated on appearances. If you try volunteering for a cause you believe in, on the other hand, you're likely to meet women who aren't shallow and look for more in a man than a fat wallet.

UM: Sentimental balderdahs, I'm afraid. You're in the big leagues now, lad, and you're going to have to learn big-league moves. Back home, if you weren't too inbred and had all of your teeth, you were probably considered a great catch. In a city like New York, that's not going to cut it. You're going to have to invest in the clothes, the car, the lifestyle. But it's not wasted money, lad, no; it is an investment. An investment in your romantic success.

AB: Don't listen to him. Please. If you're lucky you'll end up bankrupt and in a bad relationship with a gold digger. If you're unlucky, you'll be bankrupt and alone.

UM: Well, he's alone right now. Seems like "being himself" isn't getting him a thing.

AB: That's not true. He has his sense of himself.

UM: That and a couple dollars will get you coffee at Starbucks.

AB: Ed, don't sell yourself out to land a woman. It's just not worth it.

UM: Lad, unless you enjoy dating your right hand, take my advice.

AB: I ought to let you date your right hand for a while.

UM: Your tongue, woman! There are children present.

AB: But you... oh, I give up.

Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,

I read your recent advice column from Boise with some dismay. It seems that Uncle Millie, in particular, is bent on furthering the stereotype of Boise and the state of Idaho in general as nothing but a giant potato patch. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Our state contains many natural wonders, including the famed Craters of the Moon National Park and the mighty Snake River. Our state nickname is not "The Potato State," it's "The Gem State," and fittingly so, since Idaho is a major source of a wide variety of minerals, including jade, topaz, zircon, tourmaline, opal and jasper. We also have rich deposits of gold, silver, lead, zinc, cobalt, and copper.

Boise is a hub of industry, serving as home to such famous companies as Boise Cascade, Micron Technology, Albertson's, J.R. Simplot Company, and Washington Group International, as well as the Hewlett-Packard printer factory. It's also justly famous for its city park system.

In short, Boise is far more than the one-sided caricature displayed in your column, and we in Idaho are getting tired of simple-minded cracks from people like you. I would like you to publish an apology.

Bob in Boise

AB: Hi, Bob. Well, I personally apologize to any Idaho residents who took offense at Uncle Millie's potato cracks. I feel, as I said in the column, that Idaho is a beautiful state and is certainly much more than poatoes. Uncle Millie, would you be so kind as to apologize to Bob?

UM: Well, lad, I surely meant no offense to your fine state. I enjoyed my time there, at least the parts of it that I remember. I was quite impressed by your list of Idaho facts. So please accept my sincere apology. I didn't mean to be an agi-tater. Haw haw!

AB: Oh, don't start!

UM: Say, lad, is your last name by chance Au Gratin?

AB: And that's all the time we have for this week. Say goodnight, Uncle Millie.

UM: I'll bet you're a chip off the old block!

AB: We'll see you next week.

UM: Happy hunting!

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Thank you, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice. Our fun-loving couple will return in a fortnight.

So, the allegedly mighty Baltimore Ravens got hammered by the previously-winless and seemingly-hopeless Kansas City Chiefs. That kind of game can disorient even the most sound mind. It certainly seemed to disorient Ravens safety Ed Reed, who said in a post-game interview upon being asked to explain his team's pummeling, "The devil did it." Thanks for the insight, Ed. Perhaps he was channeling the spirit of Flip Wilson.

That's all for today. See you tomorrow!

Posted by Fred at October 5, 2004 05:54 PM