November 13, 2004
The Great Debate, Day 6
Denny McLain
Thank you, Mr. Wonk, for those remarks. We now move on to Mediocre Fred's final day of argument. He will be followed by BallWonk's rebuttal tomorrow, and closing arguments on Monday.
A quick reminder to our audience: Please register your vote in the poll either here or at BallWonk's blog. Voting will continue throughout the debate and for 10 days thereafter. I know there has been some controversy about electronic voting, and I want to assure you that our system is completely secure, and that all results will be reviewed and certified by the presitigious Boston firm Dewey, Cheatham and Howe. I would also like to assure you that the so-called quote from our poll designer that he would "do everything he could to deliver Ohio for the Grays" is entirely false.
I would like to remind both debaters to keep things concise, as I am required to remain awake throughout this debate and the warden wants me back ASAP. I would also like to encourage both candidates to submit more pictures of attractive women. Mr. Fred, your picture of Mary Landrieu was quite an eye-opener. She's much easier to look at than Orrin Hatch of, for that matter, either of you. Mr. Wonk, your picture of Linda Gray brought back many warm, sweet memories. And I'd never heard of Macy Gray before you brought her up, but my my my... she does things to me I didn't imagine were still possible at my age.
So, by all means, produce any and all possible pictures of attractive women in service of your respective arguments. And please feel free to leave a copy of said pictures over here at my desk. It gets lonely in prison, you know, and I-
Eric, Production Flunky
Uh, Mr. McLain - the debate - we're on the air -
Denny McLain
Ah, yes, yes, forgive me. Mr. Fred, you have the floor. Proceed.
Mediocre Fred, Speaking for the Senators
Thank you, Mr. McLain. I have some pictures of Senator Landrieu that I think you'll really appreciate. I'll leave them with you after the debate is over.
I noticed my opponent took a stab at mind-reading in his remarks when he decided that I was "steamed" based on my expression. He was as wrong about this as he is about most other things. The only thing steamed about me is the shrimp I'm going to have with my beer after the debate. Instead, I was amused at my opponent's apparent inability to give a straight answer about anything.
We're embracing 19th-century baseball teams now, sir? The Providence Grays? The Civil War? And my opponent accuses me of being a senile old man wedded to the past! It's quite telling that my opponent has to reach back into the 19th century to find support for his choice. If we're going to be reviving 19th-century team names now, how about the Quicksteps? Or the Stogies? Or the Dark Blues? Or the Cream Citys? All these are examples of actual team names from the 19th century. As you can see, team naming was an ill-defined art back then. Not a mistake we need to repeat.
And is it any wonder that, namewise, Grays is a relic of an era long dead? Let us look at the dictionary definition of "gray," and it will be immediately clear why there's been no clamor for the name up until now:
gray1. Of or relating to an achromatic color of any lightness between the extremes of black and white.
2. a. Dull or dark: a gray, rainy afternoon.
b. Lacking in cheer; gloomy: a gray mood.
Is that the sort of association we want? Dull and dark? Gloomy? There's a reason that the seminal novel about faceless corporation men was titled The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit. There's a reason ELO's upbeat hit wasn't called "Mr. Gray Sky." There's a reason that everyone's favorite depressive storybook character, Eeyore, is gray.
Good day for a ballgame? Looks like rain to me...
My opponent produced an impressive array of pictures of military planes and ships, all painted gray, as well as a picture of a gray wolf, suggesting that they prove that gray is a color of strength and victory. Oh, please. Why do you think that our ships and planes, and for that matter the wolves, are gray? Is it because gray is such a powerful and strong color that instantly strikes fear into the hearts of the enemy? Of course not. They're gray because it blends in better and is harder to see when it's coming at you through the air, through the sea or through a snow-covered forest.
You know what else is gray? Squirrels. Haven't we seen enough of those in Washington already?
Don't mess with me, or I'll... attack your bird feeder and run away!
Is that what we want? Do we want a team that tries to hide itself until the last possible moment? Do we want a team that blends in with our surroundings? No! We want a team that announces itself with confidence. We want a team that comes in, with colors blazing. We want the old red-white-and-blue!
How can a team based in our nation's capital seriously consider any other colors? If we really want to be America's Team, as my opponent suggests, how can we have any other than America's colors? Why would we consider tossing aside what Gregg Easterbrook calls "the most successful color scheme in world history"? Blue and gray? Did we suddenly become the capital of CPA-land while I wasn't paying attention?
See any gray in there? Me either.
I can't believe there's any serious debate about this.
Of course, in addition to being America's Team, we want to be Washington's Team. We want a name that will inspire instant identification and pride among our citizens. And on that score, Senators is unparalleled. It's a name with deep roots both in our city and with this sport.
Some critics of the Senators name have argued that D.C. has no Senators. I'd beg to differ. We certainly do. 100 of them, in fact. And we keep them in one of our city's most distinctive and memorable buildings (and one that will be quite visible from the new park):
Just up the left-field line...
And besides, if we want a platform to make Washington's lack of voting rights clear, what better way to dramatize our plight? If we name the team "Senators," perhaps some day, in the midst of a 30-minute rambling digression about the way Hank Aaron wore his socks, Tim McCarver will stop and say, "Hey, you know, DC actually doesn't have any Senators." He's not going to say, "Hey you know, they didn't name this team 'Senators' because DC doesn't have any." Something for Mark Plotkin and Mayor Williams to think about.
But a team name isn't primarily a platform for airing grievances. We want a name we can be proud of. And "Senators" is a name to be proud of. Perhaps you've read the book Profiles in Courage. The book tells the story of eight Senators who risked their careers, their well-being, even their lives to stand up for the best interests of the country. That book showed us all just what an honorable and noble enterprise being a Senator can be.
For that matter, that book's author is a pretty famous face, and one with which our team could proudly identify:
Ask not what your ballclub can do for you; ask what you can do for your ballclub
Or how about Harry Truman, the plain-spoken people's champion? He was a Senator.
The Commissioner's Trophy stops here
So is the man many consider to by Truman's modern-day double, a man never afraid to speak his mind, John McCain.
Riding the Straight Talk Express to the top of the NL East
And let's not forget the greatest Senator of them all, a gentleman's gentleman, a giant among men, Walter Johnson:
So great they named a high school after him
This is our history, Washington. These are some of our brightest lights. And for those fence-sitters out there (and for the benefit of our moderator), I offer you this picture Arkansas Senator Blanche Lambert Lincoln:
As pretty as a Brad Wilkerson double to left
Are we to seriously consider tossing aside these examples of strength, heroism, and greatness -- these American icons -- in favor of a carpetbagging name that's so dull, so nondescript, so... gray?
I think not. I believe the people of Washington want our heroes, our heritage. They want the name they've always wanted. They want Senators.
Posted by Fred at November 13, 2004 12:53 PM