Mediocre Fred's Mediocre Blog (Ret.)

Back on Track! (At Least For Now)

Today's Musical Selection: "Blue Christmas" by Porky Pig

Hi, everybody! My home connection is back up and running (if a bit slowly), and so I'm back in the game. Actually, I'm not, but Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice are. They're continuing to wend their way across the country. Today they come to us from... well, I'm notexactly certain. Read the text below to understand why. I'll turn the floor over to Millie and Beatrice now.

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Love Is In the Air... Or Perhaps That's Hormones, by Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice

UM: Hello, lads! And greetings from... well, that's a bit of a point of contention between us right now.

AB: Hi, everybody. We're lost.

UM: We are not lost. You are lost.

AB: Funny. You were driving, and it was your "shortcut" that wound up getting us... wherever it is we are now.

UM: I've told you before, I know where we are. I know this town well.

AB: And I've told you before that Winesburg, Ohio is not a real town.

UM: That would surely come as a great shock to the good Winesburgers surrounding us even as we speak.

AB: Millie, listen to me. "Winesburg, Ohio" is a book. Not a real town. In fact, I don't even think we're in Ohio.

UM: Oh, come now, I'm certain we're in Ohio, even if we haven't yet made it to Winesburg.

AB: There is no Winesburg! And it feels unseasonably warm for Ohio.

UM: It's been a warm autumn, my dear.

AB: Still, I'm not sure about this.

UM: Why not? Haven't you enjoyed all the sights we've seen so far on our trip? We saw Yellowstone.

AB: That was not Yellowstone. It was a rock someone had painted yellow.

UM: Well, yes, that's the point.

AB: Yellowstone is a national forest. Not an actual yellow stone. Dear.

UM: Well, we also saw the Grand Canyon.

AB: No, we saw a woman with a large chest. That's not the same as the actual Grand Canyon. Though you looked like you wanted to spend weeks exploring it.

UM: Well, it was a great attraction that people came from miles around to see.

AB: In Uncle Millie's defense, however, we did see a famous national landmark. Up in South Daota.

UM: That's right! And you complain I never take you anywhere.

AB: Was it Mount Rushmore? Or possibly the Black Hills? Or the Badlands? No. It was the Corn Palace.

UM: A palace! Made out of corn! It's the greatest idea ever!

AB: No, really, I don't think so.

UM: All right, possibly second behind the polio vaccine. Maybe tied for second with Jelly Bellys.

AB: We did not, however, stop at Wall Drug.

UM: We were going to, but I missed it.

AB: Never mind that there are signs for hundreds of miles around directing you toward it. Missing Wall Drug will driving through South Dakota is like looking up at the sky on a clear day and not finding the sun.

UM: Well, if you're done ridiculing my navigational abilities, perhaps we can read this week's letters.

AB: Not just yet. I also think our readers should know that you managed to confuse Nevada with Nebraska.

UM: I most certainly did not.

AB: When we entered Nevada, you asked me if we were close to the Kansas border.

UM: It was a reasonable question.

AB: Kansas and Nevada are halfway across the country from each other. It was not a reasonable question. Why don't you admit that you confused Nevada with Nebraska? While we're at it, why don't you admit that you don't know where we are right now?

UM: So I have no sense of direction and might well be driving us to the North Pole for all I know, and yet you continue to let me drive? An impartial observer might ask who the greater fool is here.

AB: While we ponder that, let's take a look at that first letter.

Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,

Here's my problem in a nutshell: I've been dating "Regina" for three years now. Things are going great between us, except for one thing: about three and a half months ago, Regina was accepted into her dream grad school program. We've both been hoping for this for a long time, and I'm happy for her. The problem is that the program is very demanding, and she puts in a lot of hours between the program and the job she works to help pay for expenses. That means there's a lot less "us" time than there used to be. And even when we're physically together, all she wants to do is sleep and lay around the house. She never wants to go out, never wants to do anything exciting, and never wants to share intimate time, if you know what I mean.

Since this program is what she's been dreaming of doing her whole life, I'd feel like a real jerk to complain. But I miss the old Regina! How do I talk to her about this?

Danny in Cambridge

AB: Hi, Danny. I can appreciate the dilemma you're in: she's not giving you what you need right now, but you don't want to stand between her and her dream. I think one of the keys to answering this question is to find out whether this workload can be expected to be continue. In a lot of grad programs, the first year or so is very strenuous, designed to weed out those who can't take it, and it gets easier afterward. If that's the case, I'd advise trying to grin and bear it and ride out the storm. It's not too long to wait if she's special to you, and later on she'll remember that you stuck by her in the difficult times, and your patience will be rewarded.

On the other hand, if this is a very demanding multi-year program, particularly if it leads to a very demanding career... well, then you start having to think about what you can deal with. Sit down with her and have an honest talk about how you feel. Don't be accusatory, but explain that you feel neglected, and see if you can figure out some ways to accomodate each other's needs. Odds are, she's so busy that she doesn't even realize she's ignoring you. But with patience and a willingness to be flexible (you can't expect her to give you the same time and attention as she did before she started a demanding program), you ought to be able to work something out.

If it turns out that she can't give you more than she is now for the foreseeable future... well, you have to decide what to do about that. If you're going to break it off for that reason, though, do her a favor and figure it out as quickly as possible, rather than limping along until you can't stand it any more and blow up in a big argument when she's studying for a crucial exam. Good luck, Danny.

UM: Well, lad, I believe you deserve commendation for supporting your lady's ambitions. It takes a strong man to do that.

AB: And you deserve commendation for saying so, Millie. It takes... well, a more considerate man than you usually are to point it out. For once, you recognize a woman as a human being with her own hopes and personality, rather than just as a target for male lust. I'm impressed. Surprised, but impressed.

UM: Thank you, my dear. And as my lovely wife pointed out, lad, it is a delicate balancing act to support her and take care of yourself. Fortunately, there is a simple solution, lad. This is why God created mistresses!

AB: Oh, no.

UM: If your lady is unable to serve your needs at this time, no problem. Just take care of that on the side, and you can be taking care of without having to let go of this fine and strong woman. Particularly if she's going to become a doctor or a lawyer; you'll be set for life. Everyone wins!

AB: I retract what I said earlier.

UM: What, your advice? Oh, it wasn't bad. You needn't retract it just because mine happens to be better.

AB: No, not that. I meant my suggestion that you're an admirable man.

UM: Well, that goes without saying. All you need do is look at my beltline and you can tell that-

AB: Please, let's not start that again.

Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,

I'm 27, and I've been going through an extended slump in the romance department. I can't even buy a hit these days, never mind a home run, if you know what I'm saying. It's been a long, long time, I'm telling you.

Anyhow, last week I heard through a mutual friend that a girl I know (call her "Judy") is into me. Normally, given the slump I'm in, I'd be on this like a dog on a bone. Problem is, I'm not really into her. She's nice, and she's okay for a friend, but I've never felt a burning in my loins for her, if you catch the drift. Still, with this dry spell, anything's starting to look good to me.

So, should I go for it? Or should I wait for something better to come along? (Judy's not a dog, but she's not exactly eye candy, either, if you know what I mean.) Help a dude out!

Spike in Rochester

UM: Ah, lad, this is an age-old dilemma. And I assure you, lad, there is nothing wrong with lowering one's standards to break out of a slump. Even the greatest of home-run hitters, faced with a dry spell, will revert to "just hitting singles." In your case, that might mean expanding the field of potential date candidates to include those whom you might not typically consider. Ladies who are perfectly fine people, but who might not meet your normal standards for looks, or intelligence, or lack of social diseases.

AB: That's about enough out of you. Uncle Millie's absurdly pretending that he has standards apart from a pulse and female sex organs.

UM: Au contraire. If I had no standards, I wouldn't have found you, would I?

AB: Well... you got lucky.

UM: I surely did.

AB: At any rate, Spike, you absolutely should not take up with this young woman. Try, for a minute, to think of her as a human being (something neither you or Uncle Millie seems to be particularly good at). Put yourself in her shoes. If you were her, would you want a pity date for someone who's just looking for a quick score?

UM: Possibly so. She might be in a dry spell too, my dear.

AB: Unlike you and your male friends, women are not slaves to their hormones.

UM: Oh, now, I'm not sure I'd say that.

AB: I'm sure you wouldn't. Spike, do the right thing, if that's possible for you, and leave Judy alone. If she's really your friend, you won't go forward with this plan to soothe your runaway libido at the expense of her dignity.

UM: She makes a fair point, lad. There are professionals who, for a nominal fee, will take care of those urges and won't ruin you with your friends if things go south. Perhaps it would be better that way.

AB: That's not what I meant.

UM: Well, it certainly is what I meant.

AB: Unfortunately so.

Dear Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice,

I've got a real problem. I've been seeing "Elise" for about five months. We've really hit it off, and I was started to think that we had real long-term potential. Starting to, that is, until a couple weeks ago.

That was when Elise admitted to me that she experimented with lesbianism when she was in college. (We're both in our 30s now.) She swears that it was just a phase and that she hasn't seriously considered it in years. I appreciate the fact that she felt comfortable enough with me and our relationship to make a disclosure of a fact that I'm sure she doesn't go around celebrating.

The problem is that I'm really struggling with this disclosure. Ever since she told me, it's all I can think about. I'm a staunch Christian, and I was raised to believe homosexual behavior is a sin. The fact that Elise even experimented with it deeply troubles me. I'd like to be understanding and forgiving about this, but it goes against everything I was taught.

Elise has noticed that something's bothering me, and I keep putting her off when she asks me what's wrong. But I know I can't keep putting her off. What in the world should I do?

Lee in Birmingham

AB: Hi, Lee. I'm glad you're trying to be understanding about this, rather than just blindly following the dictates of your church or your community. And you must really care about Elise for it to be a problem. If you didn't, I'm sure you'd have been much quicker to let her go over this.

You're looking for a way to be more understanding about this, so here's a start: Remember how much the two of you care about each other, enough for her to tell you this and enough for you to try to make it work. Remember that God's laws are God's laws, and if there's any justice to be doled out for Elise's actions, He will take care of it. Remember that all human beings sin, that none of us is purpose, and that forgiveness is a great Christian virtue.

And I think you and Elise are overdue for a long and frank talk about this. Explain to her honestly where you stand, listen to her responses openly, and see what happens. Good luck, Lee.

UM: Your responses always seem to involve a lot of talking, my dear. Which certainly comes as no surprise to me, since you practice what you preach.

AB: Are you calling me a chatterbox?

UM: I'm saying that you're true to your word. Now, as for you, lad, I must admit I fail to understand your dilemma.

AB: You fail to understand something? What a surprise.

UM: I think you're just not looking at this in the right way, lad. Naturally, a man with your religious background will look at your lady's disclosure and think, "Sin." Others of us look at it and think, "Three-way." Better still, a three-way without the pesky argument over the gender of the third person. This is actually a great opportunity, lad, if you can simply adjust your frame of reference a bit.

AB: Leave it to Uncle Millie to make the least appealing argument for tolerance in the history of mankind.

UM: Well, as you've always known, I am one of a kind.

AB: That's certainly true. Thank God.

UM: Well, that about wraps up today's column.

AB: Now would you mind figuring out where we actually are?

UM: Certainly. I'll ask the Winesburg resident over there. I'm sure he'll be quite put out that you don't think his own exists. Pardon me, sir, could you tell me what town this is?

RESIDENT: No habla ingles, senor.

AB: Oh, no... please don't tell me you managed to drive us into Mexico.

UM: Nonsense. I'll straighten this out. I'm fluent in Spanish. Donde esta los huevos rancheros por la cucaracha?

R: No comprendo.

AB: We could be hear all night. Possibly longer, if the border authorities find us. Fred, send lawyers, guns, and money!

UM: No worries, my love, I'm making progress.

AB: See you in two weeks. If Millie doesn't get us shot.

UM: Happy hunting!

R: No comprendo, senor.

- - - - -

Thank you, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice, for yet another exciting and fun-filled column. Here's hoping they work their way out of wherever they are now without incident.

As for me, I'll be back wit hmy own thoughts tomorrow, assuming the connection holds up. See you then!

Posted by Fred at December 14, 2004 10:12 PM