Mediocre Fred's Mediocre Blog (Ret.)

Looking for America... Or At Least the Off-Ramp

Today's Musical Selection: "Here's to the Lonely" by Elmo and Patsy

Hi, everybody! As promised, Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice are back for another round of romantic chatter. Today's column is something of a rarity, as it was actually conducted face-to-face! After settling their little scrape with the Mexican authorities a couple weeks back, America's sweethearts have resumed their cross-country trek. And yesterday, purely by coincidence, they passed through the Fedroplex. So I took them out to dinner and recorded today's column during the meal. As I write this, they're back on the road toward their next destination, wherever that might be. Uncle Millie vaguely indicated that they might be heading north. So if you live in Maryland or Pennsylvania and you pass a blue Plymouth Duster, be sure to wave! And leave a wide berth, at least if Uncle Millie's driving.

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Winding Down Another Year of Love, by Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice

UM: Hello, lads! And greetings from Teocalli Tamale here in... where are we again, lad?

MF: Herndon, Virginia.

UM: Ah, yes, splendid! As the more astute readers might have noticed, this will be our final romantic advice column of the year.

AB: That's right. We're currently finishing up negotiations to bring back this column next year, so you can look forward to more of Uncle Millie and I in 2005!

UM: We were hoping to finish up the year in style, perhaps do something a little special and run a longer-than-usual column. Unfortunately, the letters have not been cooperating.

AB: Yes, our mailbag has been a little fallow lately. If you've been meaning to write in with a question but never seem to get around to it, now is the time. In the meantime, we'll spend today responding to comments on our last column. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but I'm sure most of our readers are anxious for fresh material. And speaking of fresh material, Uncle Millie seems to have taken a shine to the young woman behind the counter...

UM: She's quite a healthy-looking young lass, isn't she? What do you think, lad? Wouldn't you like to roll her a tamale?

MF: I, uh-

AB: Millie, try to behave yourself. We're in polite company for a change. Fred is our boss, you know. Try to act like it.

UM: Relax, my love, I'm not stepping out of line. Fred's a gentleman like myself, and I'm sure he appreciates beautiful things as much as I do. Right, lad?

MF: Um, right. Say, how's the food? This is one of my favorite restaurants. How do you like your fish tacos, Aunt Beatrice?

AB: They're quite delicious! This is a very good restaurant. Wouldn't you say so, Millie?

UM: Yes, the food is very satisfactory. I am, however, a tad disappointed that this establishment does not serve whiskey.

AB: Most people don't drink whiskey with Mexican food, dear.

UM: Fortunately, I always come prepared. Just like the Boy Scouts.

AB: How did you manage to sneak that flask in here? I thought I'd frisked you thoroughly at the door.

UM: I have my ways. But thank you much for the frisking... I quite enjoyed it.

AB: You're impossible.

MF: Why don't we go ahead with the letters?

UM: Yes, a capital idea. What's first on the docket?

MF: It's a comment from loyal reader Ensie on your last column Ensie writes:

Hmmm. So "Elsie" experimented with lesbianism in college. Ensie (me) was a lesbian through her college years and several years beyond, now married to a man, Frinklin. Glad to see you are so open minded Millie and Beatrice. :)

AB: Thanks, Ensie! This is in reference to the letter from Lee, the Christian who was disturbed by his girlfriend's revelation of having slept with women in college. We do try to be . It's harder for people of our generation to accept this than for younger people like yourself. Uncle Millie is 53, and I am of a certain age, let's say.

UM: "A certain age" being 49.

AB: Thank you so much. Dear. I know that I was raised to believe that homosexuality was a sin, and I'm sure it was the same for Uncle Millie.

UM: I'm Catholic, love. I was raised to believe most everything was a sin.

AB: Point taken. Anyhow, as I've gotten older, I've come to understand and appreciate that homosexuals are just like the rest of us, save for their choice of partners. And your choice of partners is a private matter, I believe. God knows I try to keep my choice of Uncle Millie as private as possible.

UM: I think I'll go ask the lass behind the counter for some extra sauce. Then I'll explain how certain cultures believe that if you rub hot sauce on your-

AB: Sit down. Anyhow, in the case of Lee and his girlfriend, I don't see how her past choice of partners is relevant. So she's had prior sexual experience. Most of us have. What difference does it make what gender those prior partners were? Is Lee afraid she'll leave him for a woman? If so, how is that any worse than losing her to another man?

I understand that some religions still preach that homosexuality is wrong. But I believe that love is love.

UM: Well said, my dear. I believe the lad who wrote in simply wasn't thinking about the issue clearly. He seemed to regard his lady's past experiments as a problem. Instead, he should view them as an opportunity! Lad, do you realize how many men would kill for the chance to date a woman who doesn't mind sharing the bed with another woman? If you can't appreciate the gift you've been given, step aside and let someone else have a shot.

AB: As always, Uncle Millie does his best to make you sorry that you agree with him. I hope you're still glad we're on your side, Ensie.

MF: The next note came from loyal reader Tripp-

AB: The self-declared lecher.

UM: A man in my own image!

AB: It's frightening to think that there are two of you out there.

UM: What does the lad have to say?

MF: He writes:

You guys really crack me up! If you are seriously traveling the country and come near Minnesota you must let me know. Really. But not at this email address - it is a sham.

On to the questions:

Danny with the extremely busy girlfriend. Now, Millie provides the perfect historical solution - mistress. Beatrice provides the idealistic solution - selfless support. Me, I'm going to provide the modern solution - internet pron. Seriously. It is private, free, safe, and victim free! And Danny has the perfect rationilization if caught - "Of course I prefer you, dear, but I just miss you so much when you can't be here." Like Millie says - everybody wins!

Spike in Rochester - considering "settling." This problem is as old as the hills, so there are PLENTY of pithy little sayings all ready to be offered up:

Any port in a storm.
Beggars can't be choosers.
The early bird gets the worm.
Love the one you're with.
Not if you were the last man on Earth.
Friends with benefits.

Okay, enough of that. Did you know that a man is more attractive to women when he is with a woman? I'm just saying.

"Christian" Lee with Lesbo girlfriend - Give her up for someone who appreciates her. I'm deadly serious. If you have a decent bone in your body you'll turn and walk away so she can find the love of her life, and it is not you. Being a Christian myself I'll refrain from calling you names.

UM: Wow. Quite a lot of material here. You're a prolific writer, lad.

AB: We appreciate your offer to stop by if we find ourselves in Minnesota. Uncle Millie is quite keen to take you up on it. The difficulty is that, with Uncle Millie driving, we never know when we're going to wind up in Minnesota. In fact, we may not even realize we're in Minnesota when we're actually there. Such is the joy of riding with Uncle Millie.

UM: If we find ourselves in your fair state, lad, rest assured we'll set aside some time to hoist a few with you.

AB: And knowing Uncle Millie, more than a few.

UM: At any rate, to the meat of your letter. Your suggestion of Internet pornography for the lad with the grad-school girlfriend is one I respect. It's a tidy solution that takes care of business, shall we say, and still allows him to keep his lady friend, though the value in having a lady friend who pays you no mind, unless she's wealthy or carrying your child, is a mystery to me.

AB: The appeal of Internet pornography is a mystery to me. It seems so sad. What's the attraction in a picture of a naked woman?

UM: Please tell me you are not serious.

AB: I am. It's so cold and lonely. Why is it so popular with men?

UM: We are visual creatures, my love. We respond to visual stimuli. It's certainly no match for the real thing, but it's a pragmatic solution for a gentleman whose needs are not being met. It's easy to arrange, can be done from the comfort of home and saves the ugly girlfriend-mistress showdown, which every gentleman strives to avoid.

AB: Most gentlemen avoid it by not taking mistresses. Fred, please explain to Uncle Millie that he does not speak for all men.

UM: Go on, tell her I'm right, lad.

MF: I am staying out of this.

UM: While a mistress is ultimately more satisfying, I believe Tripp's solution is the most problem-free.

AB: Maybe for Danny, but certainly not for you. You've got problems aplenty, buster.

UM: Now, on to Spike with the dry spell. As Tripp points out, the idea of lowering your standards in an emergency is an old and time-honored one. This concept of "friends with benefits," which is a thoroughly modern one, is particularly useful here. In the old days, if you were going to have your biological needs serviced by a woman, you had to pay for the privilege, either in cash or by going through the motions of romantic attachment, which usually ends up costing you cash anyway. Now, you can take care of your needs without even having to fake romantic feelings! Modernity has its advantages, lad.

AB: Strangely, this was never one of the great future innovations they used to talk about at the Epcot Center. I don't know how they missed it.

UM: At any rad, our lad raises another good point regarding a man's attractiveness to women. Men in relationships attract more attention than men without them. It's a proven fact. Women want a man who's in demand. By taking on a relationship that you may not be head over heels about now, you increase your attractiveness, which allows you to "trade up" later on.

AB: Oh, dear Lord. Oink oink.

UM: And since you're not particularly attracted to this lady here, you'll have no problem letting her go when something better comes along. Right, Fred?

MF: Why are you looking at me? I believe I said I was staying out of this.

AB: Once again, you're treating women like cardboard cutouts. How is Spike's friend supposed to feel about being used like that?

UM: What, you think she gets nothing out of it?

AB: It's hard to see what she is getting, yes.

UM: Well, she's attracted to him, correct? She desires a relationship with him, yes? So he's giving her what she wants. Everybody wins!

AB: He's not giving her what she wants. He's giving her a sham of a relationship and the promise of dumping her at any moment. Boy, how can she pass that up?

UM: There are no guarantees in life, my dear.

AB: I'd go on, but explaining the concepts of fidelity and moral duty to Uncle Millie is like explaining astrophysics to a chimpanzee. A chimpanzee with a drinking problem.

UM: Now, on to our friend Lee. As we can see, Tripp has some strong opinions on the subject, and rightfully so. The lad is sitting on a gold mine and complaining that it clashes with the walls. He clearly doesn't deserve the opportunity.

AB: I'd like to make a point to Lee: Tripp demonstrates that you can be a good Christian without being judgmental and narrow-minded. You can reconcile a respect for the basic humanity of others with belief in religious doctrine. In fact, Christianity (at least the Christianity I grew up with) preaches respect for the basic humanity of others. If homosexuality is in fact a sin, God will judge. You should not presume to do God's job for Him.

UM: That's right. Our role on this earth in to revel in the bounty of God's creations. Isn't that right, Fred? Haw haw!

MF: I'm going to refill my root beer now.

UM: Say, fill my glass while you're up, would you, lad? Never mind, I'll fill it myself.

AB: I can't believe you smuggled your own liquor into the restaurant. Fred was nice enough to take us out to dinner -- this is the man who's paying us to write this column, mind you -- and this is how you act? I'm embarrassed for you.

UM: That's not necessary. I'm not embarrased. You don't mind, do you, lad?

MF: Um, I guess not. Will you excuse me for a moment? I need to get something out of my car.

AB: No problem, Fred.

UM: Is he gone?

AB: Why do you ask?

UM: It's not that I'm not grateful to him for buying us dinner and all, but good Lord, couldn't have we gone to a bit classier place?

AB: What's wrong with this restaurant? I like it just fine.

UM: Well, the place is hardly the Ritz Carlton, wouldn't you agree?

AB: Well, no, but it's just...

UM: It's just like him to be so cheap. And I'm sure he's going to try to squeeze us on the contract negotiations again.

AB: I don't know. We aren't exactly rolling in clover with the money we're making, but I think it's a reasonable figure.

UM: He's a cheap bastard. Do you know how much that Hax lass is making over at the Post?

AB: She's nationally syndicated, dear. We're published on a weblog.

UM: Still, we are making starvation wages here. I can barely afford to drink on the salary he pays us.

AB: I'm reasonably sure that's not the salary's fault.

UM: I'm not sure he understands what a valuable property he has in us. I think we should weigh our other offers.

AB: What other offers?

UM: Well, we'll find some. Also, next time we're passing through town, perhaps we should not mention it to Fred.

AB: Why not?

UM: He's a bore, my dear. On and on about DC baseball, as though I gave a whit. The man is a wet blanket through and through. I'm not surprised that he's without a lady friend. I can't imagine that a lady could stand him.

AB: He seems nice.

UM: Are you kidding? He's as exciting as a gray flannel suit. I'm not even sure he'd know what to do with a lady if he had one.

AB: Uh, Millie-

UM: If he was alone in a room with a woman, he'd probably talk her to death.

AB: Millie, the-

UM: A lady could drag him off to the bedroom and jump on top of him and he'd probably still be trying to decide if she was interested.

AB: Millie.

UM: Also, I'll bet he has a commitment. He's a man with the soul of a woman, I tell you-

AB: Millie!

UM: What?

AB: The tape recorder. The one recording today's column? It's running.

UM: Oh, good Christ. You mean-

AB: Yes.

UM: Everything I said-

AB: Yes.

UM: Think quickly, woman! How do you erase tape on this thing? Do you press-

MF: Hi, guys! Ready to wrap up the column?

UM: Uh, well, lad, you know, I don't know if we did the best job on this one, and, er, perhaps we ought to throw this tape away and give it another shot-

MF: Nonsense. I think you did fine. So go ahead and record an ending and we'll be done.

AB: I think Uncle Millie has already recorded his ending.

MF: Really? Sorry I missed. Well, thanks for stopping by. I'll be in touch about the contract negotiations.

AB: We'll see.

MF: Hm?

AB: Oh, nothing. Say good night, Uncle Millie.

UM: Uh, well... Happy hunting, lads.

AB: Happy job hunting, maybe.

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There you have it, folks, the final Uncle Millie and Aunt Beatrice column of 2004. They'll be back again in two weeks. Possibly. Contract negotiations just took an unexpected downturn.

At any rate, I've said my piece. See you tomorrow!

Posted by Fred at December 28, 2004 11:01 AM